Life Stories

Forgive Me Elijah, Love Mommy

Welcome! When I was 15 years old, I got pregnant. 2 weeks after my 16th birthday, I had an abortion. I was 7 1/2 weeks along. It was the worst experience of my life. My mother drove me to an inner city Indianapolis abortion clinic on a day when any other teenager my age would have been in school or worrying about the basketball game on Friday night. Not me. I was pregnant with a baby that I was about to destroy. My boyfriend at the time was incredibly supportive, bless his heart. The decision to abort our child wasn't really what either of us wanted but felt pressured to do, by my parents. My father told me I was a disgrace to the family and if I did not have an abortion I would ulimately be disowned and kicked out of my home. I'll never forgive him for putting me in that position. We arrived at the abortion clinic and I was shocked and terrified to see protestors holding up signs of aborted fetuses. It was JUST like a scene out of a movie. As we walked in, they all begged me not to kill my baby...which sent me into shock. I was numb to everything going on around me...until they called my name. The nurse gave me 2 blue pills to "relax" me and then escorted me back to a seperate waiting room, where there were a dozen or so other girls and women waiting to get abortions also. There were SO many people in this room. The other people acted so detached...so de-sensitised.. As they all discussed their decisions, it appalled me. One lady was there because she didn't want to lose her figure. Another lady, an older lady was addicted to crack and wasn't willing to give up her drug or her lifestyle for a child. Another woman sat next to her, she was so beautiful, was there because she was trying to become a newscaster on the Indianapolis nightly news and having a baby would "ruin her career." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. But there was one girl close to my age, a year older than me...and she was the only one besides me who seemed to grasp the horror of what was about to happen. Bobbi, was her name and I'll never forget her. She too, didn't want to be there but was going to be disowned if she didn't go through with it. She was absolutely hysterical. My motherly instinct told me to run, run NOW...as fast as I could. But I didn't. Every day after that I wish I had listened. Anyway, inside the tiny waiting room, there were Sharpie markers laying around the room and all the mothers had written apology & goodbye notes all over the walls, to the babies that they were about to abort. "I'm so sorry", "Please forgive me", "I'll be with you someday", etc. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life. Those notes inside that tiny room will be forever burned into my memory. After waiting what seemed like forever, they called my name. I was called before Bobbi and she hugged me for what seemed to be an eternity. I was led down an incredibly narrow, dark hallway to the room where my child's life would end before it had begun. The doctor came in and didn't speak a word to me. The nurse however was simply amazing. I didn't know her name or who she was but to me she was an angel. Before the "procedure" started, I started hyperventilating. The nurse immediately held my hand and tried to comfort me. Then when the doctor began the "procedure" I swore he was killing me also. Once again, the nurse tried to soothe me and then began singing softly to me. She was an angel in disguise, I swear it. After it was over I sat up in horror. I saw the pool of blood I was sitting in...the same blood that I had up until a few minutes before, shared with my son. It was EVERYWHERE...all over my socks even. I tried to stand but immediately fell down. I was in shock. I sat in a chair in the "death room" until I could regain my balance enough to stand up. The nurse helped me into the recovery room and told to eat a few cookies and drink some juice to keep myself from passing out. After I sat in the recovery room for 2 hours I were free to go. The door opened and the first person to me was my boyfriend...and my mother followed. We headed to the car and by some small miracle all the protestors outside were gone. Less than 5 miles down the road I threw up all over the backseat of the car. Not because of the pain...but because of what I had just done. I felt so empty...like there was literally a whole in my heart. I had been "unpregnant" for less than 2 hours and I already missed my son. Little did I know, this was only the beginning of my sadness. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my baby. I remember that entire heart wrenching day as if it was yesterday. I felt ashamed, disgusting and regretful. The months and years that followed were (and still are at times) a living hell. I've struggled with horrible depression ever since. Every year on the anniversary of my abortion I can't stand to be in my own skin. And to look in the mirror makes me sick. A huge part of me will never forgive myself. I left a part of my heart in the clinic on that fall day. Of all the women and girls in the clinic that day, what I remember most is how laid back they all seemed to be. Like they were going to a hair appointment or were just out to lunch. I've often wondered if they have any remorse or feel any regret? ...or if they ever think about the person their baby would be now? I'll never know. But for many of us, Bobbi included, the regret is almost unbearable and it's a struggle just to keep living day by day. Like a constant dark cloud over our heads. I'm still haunted by it after all these years and I will be in mourning for the rest of my life. Time heals nothing. None of my family (except my parents) knows what happened on that dreadful day. I've been too ashamed to tell anyone. Too afraid to be judged. Starting this website is the only way I know how to help people, which is what I want to do. I remember how alone and scared I was being pregnant at age 15...and I want to help other people who were in my same situation. If YOU are experiencing post abortion depression, or are considering having an abortion, or just want to share your experience but are too afraid to-- you're not alone. There are so many of "us" that are too ashamed to come forward. But here, on this website, you can. No one will judge you. PLEASE feel free to write me with any questions, concerns or if you just want to talk to someone who understands your situation...I'm here. You're welcome to share your stories and feelings with us all. Oh, one last thing...if you want to memorialize your baby (I did) there are several websites to do this through. I will tell you, after I had my son's name entered into "The Book of Life" at the Church of Holy Innocents (located in New York) I recieved a certificate in the mail declaring my son was now officially in the book...I felt the first and only sense of peace regarding this nightmare for me. I highly recommend them. They do have a website, I strongly suggest you check it out. Again, that is* The Church Of The Holy Innocents: 128 West 37th Street New York, N.Y. 10018 Phone: (212) 279-5861 Fax: (212) 714-9313 Website: http://www.innocents.com

To my baby boy, Elijah, I'll be with you someday and I know you're still with me everyday.